Melting Chocolate, Facebook Defriending & Other Insecurity Issues

Tonight I went to LeeAnn Chin’s to pick up a little take-out goodness for the fam. As I was checking out, the cashier kindly handed me the plastic bag of food along with a small, covered clear plastic cup containing my son’s chocolate-covered fortune cookie. As I started to place the cookie-cup into the bag with the rest of the food, the cashier stopped me, saying “Ma’am, you might want to put that into your purse โ€” the chocolate melts“.

Well, that makes no sense, I thought, then smiled and explained gently “Well, if the chocolate is going to melt, I think I’d rather have it in the bag with my food than have it melt in my purse! Hahahaha….”. I laughed kindly. Poor girl must be nervous and just not thinking clearly, I thought. The girl muttered some kind of affirmative comment and gave me a faint smile. I smiled back, wished her a good day, took my food and left.

As my husband and I later split our son’s chocolate covered cookie* (* don’t judge; he didn’t know it came with his meal! And he’s not into chocolate covered fortune cookies, anyway. Plus he got some Oreos.), I relayed the story to him.

“Isn’t it weird that the girl told me I should put the cookie in my purse because the chocolate melts?”, I wondered aloud,ย  “I mean, if the chocolate was going to melt, wouldn’t it be better for it to be in the bag with the food than in my purse?!”

My husband looked at me oddly. Lovingly, but oddly. “Well I’m sure she was thinking that the heat of the food would melt the chocolate…”.

I stopped and thought. Oh. Right.

“Hmm. That probably explains the odd smile she gave me when I said that to her.” I said quietly.

“You said that to her?!”

“Yep…here I was thinking that she said something stupid, when all along she surely knew that *I* was the one….ahhhh!”. I could barely bring myself to finish the sentence.

Normally, this wouldn’t bother me. Not that this bothers me that much, but…well, it’s just kind of irking me, because…you see, I tend to say silly little things like this a lot. A. LOT. I’m not always what you would call the sharpest tool in the shed. I don’t talk a whole lot, but when I do talk I find that silly/awkward/ignorant things tend to come out of my mouth, and I get alot of those “faint smile” kinds of looks like the girl at LeeAnn Chin’s gave me……….

Hi, my name is N, and I’ve got some insecurity issues. ๐Ÿ™‚

Just a few. OK, a lot. If insecurities were plants, I could open up a greenhouse full of them. Lots of different kinds, in all kinds of varieties, with all kinds of roots (the largest of which is pride). I’ve had them as long as I can remember…but guess what. I’m discovering I’m not the only one! Case in point:

A few days ago I discovered that I had been (gasp) defriended by a couple of people on Facebook. They didn’t delete their accounts โ€” they defriended me. People I KNOW. In REAL LIFE! Truly, it didn’t bother me that much. OK, a little. OK, probably a tiny bit more than it should…but not THAT much. Really. People have reasons they defriend people…totally their right to…whatever. Still โ€” it piqued my curiosity, and in one of those “posting status updates without thinking” moments, I posted a little status, wondering if this kind of thing makes anyone else self-conscious. Oh my goodness โ€” I got quite a little response! Replies to the status and a message or two. Turns out other women have noticed this kind of thing โ€” felt a little burned by it โ€” some have been more than a little hurt by it.

Insecurity runs rampant, doesn’t it? It comes in many forms and can be debilitating in so many ways.

How timely that this book just came out. I first saw the title alone a few weeks ago, and immediately decided I would read it! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m in the middle of it now, and so far, it is wonderful. It is hitting the nail right on the head for me right now โ€” even in some unexpected ways. It’s not about falling victim to insecurity โ€” it’s about turning to the Lord for help in kicking it squarely in the tail. Adios. Anyway, if you are a woman feeling ruled by your insecurities, I’d check it out. You can read more about it here.

Anyone else battling this stuff? What has helped you wave bye-bye to your insecurities?

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10 responses to “Melting Chocolate, Facebook Defriending & Other Insecurity Issues

  1. Okay – I will admit that I defriended someone before. (It was a few weeks after I had first joined Facebook. I didn’t know that you could hide people’s status on your page.) So I defriended a friend who was a bit over the top on the Liberal Left side during the election. I just found myself seething every time something came through. And then they posted a comment that equated to calling anyone who didn’t support Obama a racist. I lost it and defriended this person immediately. I haven’t been defriended, but I have had someone who was important to me in college “ignore” my friend request. Twice. But I’m not insecure about it – just figure it’s their loss more than mine.

    Got the book last week. Can’t wait until our spring break to read it. Thanks a bunch!

  2. Wow, thank you for being so real N. I would never have thought you were insecure, because you are so amazing in my eyes.

    I struggle with immense insecurities myself, mainly focused on my weight. I have spent 20 years of my life thinking that all people ever see when they look at me, is not my talent, or my intelligence or my input, but all I think they see is my weight, and it is crippling. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who loves me regardless, but it even took him awhile to look past the weight, (We can discuss that sometime privately).

    I say goofy things all the time, it is just part of being human.

    • Dorothy! Thank you for commenting & the encouragement. I would not have guessed you struggle with this, either…you come across as so confident! ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh…I am SO insecure. Hmm. I will email you! ๐Ÿ™‚ Yay for wonderful husbands who love us no matter what!!! You are beautiful!

  3. Insecurities? Yep. To be sure, I have always struggled with appearance… geeky, awkward, goofy. (Like Dorothy, I am thankful to have a husband who loves me just as I am!) I have to say that something happened when I turned 30 — it’s like I was getting more comfortable in my own skin, and I started to care a little less about what people thought of me. The same thing happened last year when I turned 40 — dumb as it sounds, I realized no one is going to mistake me for being in my 20s anymore, so why toil so much *in attempt* to look “young and hip”? I’m a mom now, and quite frankly I don’t have the time or interest to worry about what’s the latest in fashion! (I figure I’ll just go for the “classic”, Eddie Bauer/Lands’ End look — stays in fashion for a long time!) And you know, it’s pretty freeing! In a sense, I stopped looking to see if anyone was looking (at me).

    My other, more significant, insecurity probably stems from my perfectionism — and that is insecurity in my mothering. Being home with my kids and being immersed in the role of mother has shown me so much of my own sinfulness — selfishness, impatience, etc. — day after day — until I think, “How could God REALLY forgive me THIS MANY times?!?” and it starts to eat away at my confidence. Interesting how when you doubt God’s love and grace, every moment is an opportunity for the enemy to convince you what a bad person you are… it can really spiral down. (I meant to type those thoughts on your “Taste & See” post… but it started to get too deep, and I started bawling…. and I thought it was TMI….. but since you asked specifically about insecurities, well here ya go! At the risk of being transparent, I’m being transparent. So there. Maybe confidence is building upon being transparent? Hah! Take that!)

    Thanks for writing this post, N. I’m sure many — perhaps most — women have insecurities to some degree…….. Oh Lord, please bring healing to all of our hurting hearts!

    • Thank you for your transparency, Sara! I love your thoughts about thinking less of how others view your appearance/fashion/etc. I struggle with that, big time. In fact, just the other day at my BSF group I found myself looking around at all the shoes of the other moms in my group & thinking “hmmm…my shoes are so uncool! just plain, boring brown leather…”. Seriously!
      And as far as day-to-day sinfulness as revealed in mothering…so true! I have never seen my impatience or my selfishness so clearly. It’s truly refining me in ways that nothing else does! So humbling, isn’t it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. hi, this might be weird for me to write to you about this subject when I just “found” you (on Abraham Piper’s blog)…I loved what you said in the comments, and that is why I came over here to your blog to “check you out”!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Anyway, I had my two cents-worth to add to your post about defriending. I recently defriended about 40 people on FB. Not because I don’t like them anymore or because they offend me. I just decided to streamline my life a little more. I looked at each “friend” and asked myself if since becoming friends on FB had we interacted at ALL (or did we just accept each other’s request to be polite or to take a glimpse into each other’s lives. If the person has never once commented or sent me a message, I decided that it was clutter. I don’t need to read through 200 status updates everyday. I just added this to help you think that maybe that’s what happened to you. And NOT that someone doesn’t like you.

    I know about insecurities. I might be the WORST at having them. This is the second time in two days that I’ve heard about this book, so I’m intrigued and really want to get it now.

    This week I had a new friend over for lunch. I knew she did modeling work in her previous life (before kids…in Paris). Imagine what it was like for me when she casually informed me over lunch that she had an 8-page spread in a magazine this month. I went straight out and bought it. WOWWZZY! The girl is BEAUTIFUL and so glamorous. And I feel like a toad!!! For sure. I’m wondering why I can’t just be thankful for how God made her and thankful for how God made me. And why I need to feel ugly and fat and uncool. Well, I’m trying to work on it.

    Thanks for this post. I’ll be coming back here. Ciao!!

    • Jill,
      Thanks so much! That made my day! Funnily enough, just as I opened your comment, I was feeling rather “insecure” about the comment I’d made on that blog (did I offend anyone? did it come across right? etc). The insecurity never ends.

      I think that’s a perfectly understandable (and probably common) reason to defriend people. And yes, probably what happened to me. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Anyway, thanks again & take care!

  5. Im 19 years old and I struggle with insecurity like nothing else!! I am a stereotypically good looking girl and-trust me- it doesnt make me any less insecure!!! Sometimes i think it makes it worse!! I feel like people only like me for how i look, and that they cant look past that to who I really am inside. Or that they wouldnt like me if i didnt look a certain way.
    Im also really insecure in my relationship. My ex boyfriend did a lot of bad things last year. And everytime i thought to myself, if i could just be a better person he would stop doing these things. So I tried my hardest to be better for him. But he kept on hurting me, time after time after time. I felt like i just couldnt be good enough, no matter how hard i tried. In the end I forgave him for what he had done (long story, but it was only with Gods love and forgiveness that I could forgive him) and now we’re back together. I have forgiven him 100% for what he has done to me but I still have these massive insecurities about our relationship- am I good enough for him? Will he cheat on me?? Is he lying to me??- and sometimes I come off as needy or clingy because I need constant reassurance of his love for me. I know he is a different person now. But I still have these huge insecurities and trust issues and they are causing so many fights between us. I love him and I want to get over this so that we can be happy. But whenever I think Im over it, he will do something small like not call when he said he would, or bail at the last minute on plans that we have- and it makes me so paranoid and upset, and we end up in a huge arguement over something so small!! I dont know what to do.

    • Em,
      Thank you so much for posting and sharing your struggles so candidly. Truly, no one is immune from those feelings of insecurity! My heart truly goes out to you…you are in my prayers!

      I am so sorry to hear things have been such a roller coaster with your boyfriend. Relationships can be so difficult! I don’t know where either one of you is at with your faith in Jesus, but I suggest that if you aren’t already, you find a good church to plug in to, or a community of other Christians who can be a continuing source encouragement and support to you in your situation.

      Above all, remember that God does not want you to wallow in this muck of insecurity! Psalm 139 says that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”, and even though we are all stained with sin (Romans 3:23), Romans 5:8 declares, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

      One website that you might find helpful is http://www.boundless.org . Boundless is a really cool ministry geared towards young singles โ€”ย you might find some help and encouragement there!

      Another site/ministry for young women that I’ve heard great things about is the Butterfly Blog/masterpiece – http://www.butterflyblog.net/BUTTERFLY_BLOG/HOME.html

      Blessings to you, Em! Stay strong!

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